DEPRESSION. A word we hear so often, yet not fully realize just how scary it could be. I’ll be blunt and come right out and say that I, though not clinically diagnosed (YET), absolutely know I suffer from it- and I live in my own personal hell that no one has any idea about because socially, it looks otherwise. It’s not that I am ashamed to say I have it (and before you say that because I have not gone to a doctor, I may not have it- TRUST ME when I say that I’ve done the research for years, I qualify for 95% of the symptoms, and I don’t need strangers telling me what I feel isn’t real), but I think personally I am writing this because I can’t keep it in any longer. I DON’T NEED YOUR JUDGEMENTS. I don’t need family members freaking out calling me as if I’m about to die (although, yes, I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember- but we’ll get to that later). I just need you to read this and realize that IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE. It can happen to the person you least expect. Maybe I am writing this to have handy when I finally schedule my psychiatrist appointment, but get ready, because this is as awkward and perhaps a bit edgy for you as much as it is for me to expose. I am just like any other person, I just don’t feel as if I function like everyone else..if that makes any sense. Perhaps I should be focusing on other things or maybe have talked to someone close before I wrote this, but whatever. My story, my consequences.
To start, I have to go back to the beginning. Again, if you are a relative or know my family, don’t think differently. You think you know the entire story of how my parents divorced, how I have held back so much from trying to forget about something I have always til this day have said doesn’t affect me, but I am starting to think that subconsciously it has. I won’t go into much detail, mostly because I have mixed memories from my childhood, but basically for those who didn’t know (aka ALL OF YOU), my mom and dad had only my sister and I. I’m the oldest and my sister Michelle is three years younger than I. I remember my dad was always working being the breadwinner, while my mom did her “housewife duties” and took care of my sister and I. She took us to school, fed us, kept everything in place, made my dad dinner, always took me to ballet classes, and was always there for EVERYTHING school-related- every time I won an award, meetings, plays, anything and everything. I can’t ever complain about that part, hands down. But some things were “off”, and I realized this when I started getting older. She would never really eat with my dad when he got home, I would hear them argue to the point of yelling behind closed doors (one time it got so bad, she broke a mirror and injured her hand in the process), until it all led up to their separation. My mom filed for divorce without a care in the world it seemed, basically because she started seeing someone new so fast. The crazy part is that before any of that happened, my dad obviously moved out and so the process of having to “share us” through the form of custody (soooo lame let me tell you) began. While we were at my dad’s one morning, he was actually supposed to drop us off at my mom’s in order for him to go to work and her take us to school, but that was when one of the major things in my young life happened. He knocked for a while, and when she wouldn’t come to the door, he just opened it with his key and saw her on the floor of the kitchen with the gas fully on for God knows how many hours; she tried to COMMIT SUICIDE. LET ME MAKE ONE THING CLEAR: my dad has NEVER ever yelled or laid a hand on my mom or his new wife- he looks so bitchy all the time (inherited that bitch face, too), but he is a sweetheart. Until now I fully grasped the fact that she had probably been DEPRESSED for so long; not sure if after she had us (post-partum maybe?) or before, but basically, life went on, both my parents got remarried, both had two other kids, my mom I can gladly say, treated her depression even after another separation from my stepdad and life instances, and is now a billion times better and I NEVER blame her for ANYTHING but being so overprotective and not letting me go to 6th grade camp because she’s a mexican mom, duh *eye roll*. So there, my mom had depression. Now I know this has perhaps been passed on to me.
[PICTURES OF PEOPLE AND TIMES IN MY LIFE THAT I WAS HAPPIEST]
(mom and sister and i)
(me doing what I loved most when I was little)
(my sister Michelle and I haha!)
(my little sister Damaris)
(Alex and I in Mexicali...our 2nd home haha)
(at my cousin's quince back in the day- one of the first times he met my family)
(Alex and I in our partying days LOL)
(My siblings from my mom's side & Michelle back in 2004? 2005?)
(At my college grad dinner in March 2013)
(In Arizona when we packed up and moved together for the first time: late 2010)
(haha, these are so awkward!)
(My cousins are some of the closest people I have in my life)
(Dad HATES photos, so this is one of the few we have together)
(Mom and I -had to cut my sister out since she murdered the photo haha)
(July 2010)
(Alex and I in Paris, 2 weeks ago)
I don’t dwell on the fact that I come from a broken family, except on during the holidays; I HATE THE HOLIDAYS. I hate decorating, dealing with going over to family functions (usually not having to do with either parent because for some reason that just upsets me more); I can’t stand watching movies or being in a store where families are shopping together, eating together, you name it. I always said that if I ever had my own family that would all change, but at this point, bringing a child into this world has been pushed to the back of my mind because I can’t imagine being a “good mom” with a chance of getting or having some sort of depressing feeling. If I know I may not be able to care for someone else, then why bother adding to my stress? Stress over student debt that I am not sure I can get out of, stress of being able to (or not) buy a home soon, it is overbearing and I'm tired of trying to handle it.
Oh, and that’s another thing. Stress. Stress about everythingggg. I used to think that maybe it was in my character to stress over the smallest things, especially because I stressed over normal things like school, work, etc. Now I am thinking it obviously is contributing a shit-load to my anxiety; that and being stuck in a job I have been forced to hate (if you know me, to say I now detest my job is probably a total shocker). Guess I’ll have to bring that up, too.
Let’s talk social media and the need to be in some sort of “competition” all the damn time. While I love taking photos and uploading them, not getting enough likes or followers or “approval” next to these “big-shot” bitches, can drag anyone down. I know this because not only do I go through it on a daily basis, but have come across so many similar topics and thread on the internet. Not having amazing skin, great hair, I’m not as skinny as I’d like to be, don’t have the luxury of traveling the world working on projects or with brands I’d like, or not being able to even go to fashion weeks is in some ways drowning me. My SELF-ESTEEM is shattered beyond comprehension; I mean, how can something that I used to love doing, something I can’t imagine NOT doing bring me so much sadness? The damn irony. I have sometimes thought I’d stop doing the “blogger/Instagram” thing altogether, but again, if that is one of the only things bringing me some sort of joy at times, why would I take that away from myself? I have stopped unfollowing accounts that only make this feeling worse, but it only goes to a certain extent. It was definitely not an issue back when I started doing this, but now I just really don’t put the time or effort into it because I LACK MOTIVATION (another thing to discuss).
Motivation, motivation. I read earlier today that having depression definitely weighs down on your motivation, and the few times I feel motivated or with little energy, it immediately gets shut down because of working somewhere where I am not happy, of having to think about all the stress of my personal life (mentioned above). I feel SO BAD that I am such a burden 99% of the time at home because I complain over EVERYTHING. I know I do. I don’t like to admit it. I hate it. I have more to-do lists than I can count, and I never fully cross everything off my list. It affects my relationship at home…everything comes full circle because obviously everything I have talked about affects my family life- I distance myself from everybody because I just don’t want to DEAL WITH IT. I figure that if I put it off to the side, I can gain some temporary sanity, even though I know it will come bite my on the ass later (Navient, I see you motherf*cker). Sometimes the way I “deal” with things is to NOT deal with them. Sometimes I’d rather be alone or at least have Alex close by for that sense of comfort, even though he HAS not idea that I am probably thinking about ways I can get out of “living” at those very moments. I cry myself to sleep while he’s RIGHT NEXT TO ME AND HAS NO IDEA ABOUT ANYTHING. And sometimes I feel so guilty that I wished he had never met me because I am all of these things- I am some kind of “broken” person he has to worry about among everything else. Like he has to feel sorry for me while I am also running out of excuses to tell him why I put off shit I have to get done. I feel and joke around that he’s acting more like a dad than anything else, and while it’s lame, it’s also true. He doesn’t understand me or perhaps a lot of what I am going through because (obviously) he is not me (and I don’t think I could stand another Esmirna, so thank God), but this topic doesn’t get enough attention as it should between us or in general, and since I have always been better at expressing feelings through writing, I hope he kind of gets it a lot more now.
One thing I will say is that I am blessed. Blessed with a partner that although we don’t see eye-to-eye like 80% of the time and that leads to tense moments, he takes care of me in more ways than I can count. We are SO OPPOSITE. I think we realized this after being together for so long. So different, yet so similar. He always says the right things when I am going out of my mind, always stands his ground and let’s me know exactly what he thinks of me and my actions, but in the end it’s also always a “it’s going to be okay. I love you.” I cannot complain about our lives together- we live a pretty awesome life for two people who didn’t get anything handed to them ever. But I also know that there is only so much he can take before he (or anyone) can give up on such person who is in many ways, dragging him down with my attitudes, pessimistic views, and procrastinating ways.
Now, I know people who read this might think, “f*ck, this explains a lot”, or perhaps some family is now going to see me in a different light, but nothing will sting more than having people tip-toe around me or my feelings after admitting all of this. IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE NICE OR TALK BEHIND MY BACK, DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. This is difficult enough as it is on my own.
There is so much on my mind, that it stops and starts up again with the thoughts of what I wanted to get out there. Maybe sure, it’s bad, but even though I know I have depression and anxiety, it is treatable. I DO NOT condone any form of hurting yourself, I am clearly not a psychologist and not always give the best advice, but if there is anything you can take away from this is that I am just a person- like you and anyone else. Everything I mentioned comes from a dark, hidden place nobody knew about until know. It hurts. I cry uncontrollably sometimes. But there is help, and that is what prevents me from going over the edge completely.
*If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, The Suicide Prevention Lifeline has 24/7, free & confidential support for people in distress, prevention, & crisis resources: 1-800-273-8255.
^^ Thank you to Lauryn from The Skinny Confidential for bringing up the topic of being vulnerable through this world of social media. I was terrified of talking about this, but letting it all out in the world feels like a bit of a release.
XXXXXX
Below are also two videos I found that literally made me cry at work when I saw them because they are SO ME and can help you understand what I go through:
