I know. You probably expected the "grandest" birthday shoot ever, but this time it was different. I wanted to show a non-typical side of me that not everyone gets to see, and that's me being in the privacy of my own home, in pajamas at 7am with hair and makeup from the night out before. Okay, maybe I added a little tinted lip balm but come on, how could I not. And no, I usually don't have the windows open
at all on a daily basis, maybe that's why I'm so pale. Hmmm...
This year has been the most
difficult yet for a lot of different reasons. It has
tested my every emotion, including some I didn't even know I could feel or that I had in me (as crazy as that sounds). There have been times where I have been happy, tried new things, explored new feelings, met or reconnected with people, and other times when it of course was not as great. I have cried and yelled at the top of my lungs, had the lowest self-esteem ever, I've questioned my life (still do) in so many ways, wondered and felt scared for the future, I've started getting anxious about reaching 30 and entering a new decade, not to mention my love for champagne grew increasingly in the past 365 days. For someone who is used to "babysitting" her drink, this is a completely new adventure of sorts (if you look at it the way I do). I'm not sure how to feel about turning 28...I know that every year I say the same thing, but the stranger thing is that sometimes I get in that mindset of "okay, this is life, it's a cycle that I cannot stop", and suddenly I'm alright. I really am not afraid of death, I'm afraid of growing
older if you wanna go to those extremes. I think I'm more afraid of the thought of just HOW I'm going to die...but let's not get carried away. As if this 'dreadful' day isn't stressful enough (
insert the popcorn emoji here for the dramatic effect). In all seriousness, I really do feel as if I have "matured" in different ways, maybe I don't know how to cook or hate making my own doctor's appointments, but I mean in other ways. I have (and still am) made better judgements of people and things, I am trying to learn how to handle certain situations and/or feelings, and even though I do have a loud voice (again, thanks parentals), I don't think I yell as much as I used to unintentionally (that last point is more towards my family ha!). I may be feeling as if I am finally learning HOW to be "mature", if that makes sense. I may not have kids or be in a suit and heels all day everyday, but maturity can be achieved in many other different ways despite what anyone else says. One thing that will never ever change? Actually, I think there are quite a lot of things that I
do like about myself, like being adventurous and never being scared of change, that I can also be a hard worker and accomplish much more when I have that 'right' mindset, I am a fast learner (even though that doesn't mean that I will take my time to learn how to cook HAHA), I am so creative I don't even know what to do with myself sometimes, I forgive easily, as outrageous as that sounds to some people, and even though I am not expressive AT ALL, not even my parents, with certain people I find myself doing things I never even thought of to show my affection, etc etc. There may be tons of people who might not "like" me, who may not accept me for who I am, weirdness and all, but I've learned to live with that. Comes with age I guess.
I am not sure where the next 12 months will take me or what kind of things or feelings or thoughts I will encounter, and while that sounds scary, it's also very intriguing.
(Esmirna at 3 years old...cue the "aww's" hehe)
xx
